Day 17: A Brief Update

I spent all day tinkering with yesterday's song. It now has a chorus and some additional layers of production. All coming together. I ain't posting it, though, because 1) it really needs a mixdown and 2) I'm just plain lazy :P

Day 16: A Song??

Well. Fuck. It would appear that I've sketched out my first song. Been sitting in my lounge room rapping all evening. Kind of dumbfounded by the whole thing, really. Can't believe something is finally coming together. And I'm not completely embarrassed by it!

The song is called Lethargy. It's about a general laziness of spirit I've been experiencing lately. I'd describe it as being about depression except I don't have depression. I just have a crap attention span. It's quite a fucking emo song, really, but I feel it's honest and vaguely interesting. I like it, anyway.

I'll only be uploading the instrumental version of what I've got so far but I'll post the lyrics here as well. I'm just not quite comfortable recording them yet. I'm kind of wary that the flow of the second verse is a bit generic and the flow of the first not generic enough. Yes, I know, I'm neurotic.

As for the song itself, it still needs a hook, a middle 8 and, I suspect, a few more layers in the production but the bones of the song are there. That shocks me.

(Oh, and it's not mixed, obviously).

Music:

Lethargy Instrumental MP3 by M. O'Neill

Lyrics:

Each day, I wake a little slower
Remove my tired eyes from the night’s demise
With a guise characterised less by a gleam than by a glower
The morning shower - a dour exercise in dousing the sighs from a soul retired from the race outside for power
For accomplishment,
For bliss, cheer and merriment
For the various accoutrements of personal success we each strive to make permanent on a daily basis
The assorted vibrant lively filaments in which I have no personal investment
I’m tired of it.

It’s a metaphysical exhaustion
Emotion’s distortions inflicting a torsion on a soul’s portion
A fraction of some faithless phantasm causing an undertow
Miasma of blandness forcing the whole mind-body-soul machine to slow
A useless artist, I’m rendered retarded, your own personal martyr in the market for pathos
While somewhere in the ghost of ambition’s repose
The shade of a faded outrage glows:
What is this hapless existence? This disgustingly flaccid and placid indifference?
You know damn well you’re better than this.

Day 15: Words, Words, Words, Words

Well shit. That was unexpected. I randomly decided to do some writing today. Bizarrely, it seemed to come quite easily. Mechanics and rhythm will need some refining but the general basis is there. It actually crystallised my approach to songwriting considerably - I can really see where this little verse could lead.

Here it is:

Each day, I wake a little slower
Remove my tired eyes from the night’s demise
With a guise characterised less by a gleam than by a glower
The morning shower - a dour exercise in dousing the sighs from a soul retired from the race outside for power
For accomplishment,
For bliss, cheer and merriment
For the various accoutrements of personal success we each strive to make permanent on a daily basis
Life’s assorted decorative filaments in which I, to reiterate, have no personal or professional investment.
I’m tired of it.

Working title is 'lethargy'. I semi-seriously considered sampling The Beatles 'I'm So Tired' and the Hoodoo Gurus 'Waking Up Tired' or whatever the fuck it's called.

Day 14: Back from the Dead

Yeah, so I skipped two days. I'd blame work but, really, I know from experience that I can pretty much only do things every day 5 days out of every 7. Exercise is the same thing. I'll try not to be quite so slack with this but shit's gonna happen.

Anyway - back to the game: bit lethargic lately. Don't have much faith in my abilities or my vision. Vaguely tempted to just go generic and obvious and work from there. Still, we press on. Here's today's bass line.

Screaming Tribesmen Bass MP3 by M. O'Neill

Day 13: Noisy

Yeah, let's keep this brief. I'm unsure about these basslines. Seem to stop and start so abruptly. Still, I like it when it's on a roll. Great thing about MIDI is that I can edit these a lot more easily than I can edit the drum parts. Maybe that's why shit is moving so quickly.

Back to the Roots Bass MP3 by M. O'Neill

Day 12: Well, That's Weird

This bass lark is proving a little bit easier than the beats. I thought writing a bass line for today's beat would be really difficult but, while it wasn't easy, the general pattern emerged quite quickly. That said, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't shocked by the results.

Top Heavy Bass MP3 by M. O'Neill

I was originally playing around with electro-synth bass (and the bass in the verse section is still very much a product of that) but, for kicks, I thought I'd see how some live bass sounded. I quite like it (and so does everyone else who has heard it) but it's definitely weird.

I do have the feeling that it's not quite finished but hopefully I can come back to it and refine it a bit.

Day 11: Bass Fo Yo Face, London!

And we're onto the next stage. I'm of two minds about this. I'm quite proud of my ability to write warped basslines but, musicologically, I'm still very much retarded. Also, versatility is not my strong suit. I make big fat bass noises and that's about it. Nevertheless, I'm excited. I've managed to write the rough basslines for the first beat - Wiley Coyote.

Wiley Coyote Bass MP3 by M. O'Neill

I've decided to write two basslines for each beat. Ideally, a verse and a chorus. I'm not sure which one is which in this one but I'm particularly fond of the slow syrupy refrain. It changes the dynamic of the beat entirely. I'm mildly peeved at myself for using a basic sub for what is essentially a grime beat - I've decided I want to counterbalance each beat with a different kind of bassline and that's as obvious a match up as you could get - but, for my first go, I've decided I'll relax my standards a bit. I think it sounds good, anyway.

Day 10: Beating Off

Done and dusted, ladies and gentlemen. All ten beats. Did the last two today and I'm quite proud of both of them. Rather than posting those two in isolation, though, I've decided to compile the ten I'll be using for the rest of this chapter. If, by some miracle, I finish all of these, I'll do another ten. I've arranged them in roughly chronological order:

Beats 10 by M. O'Neill

At the end of this part of the process, however, I've realised I've probably been a bit daft. I was listening to Jay-Z's Moment of Clarity just before and I really enjoyed the beat. I probably didn't have to go as weird with this as I did. As a matter of fact, I could have crapped out ten above-standard hip hop beats in a day or two. I've made this hard for myself.

Oh well. I'm not crapping out. I like those beats. Shit will be interesting, though.

Day 9: Blitzkrieg/Failure

Today I tried to finish the run of ten beats. I failed. I did come up with enough beats (...for the record, the official tally of beats programmed so far stands at 25...) but I rushed the last two and they didn't really stand up. The two before I'm uneasy about but I think the only real problem I have with them is mixing. Otherwise they stand up well to the others I've chosen. I've decided to axe the first three except for Wiley, by the way. The first two just seemed like sketches of ideas I did better later on.

I don't know. Today the fear sets in again. I have a feeling this would all be easier if I didn't have a vision in my head as to what I wanted to do. This isn't just about being decent at hip hop. It's about expressing this sound I've had in my head for years. I really want to get it right this time. Maybe I'm being naive. I feel like I'm close but, at the same time, I feel I've been close before. Oh well. We press on.

Beats:

Those that made the cut -

Walking Tall MP3 by M. O'Neill

Tripping On Glitch MP3 by M. O'Neill

I think I'm better writing electronic/dance rhythm parts than I am 'live' ones. It could also be my lack of appropriate plug-ins. These two beats made me quite optimistic about this process. I feel I could keep exploring and refining beats for years. I have so much to learn. At the same time, while I really feel these beats won't take shape without appropriate mixing, I am quite proud of these ones.

Those that did not make the cut:

Africa Swing MP3 by M. O'Neill

Near Enough MP3 by M. O'Neill

The first simply doesn't feel right. As I said, I suspect my skill lies in programming electronic/dance patterns as opposed to live percussive ones. The second was just laziness. I feel the general noisy lurch of it, though, is something to learn from.

I don't know. Like I said - we press on. Thoughts anyone?

Day 8: Old Habits Reappear

Okay, illness banished. This beatmaking lark is getting difficult again, though. I'm starting to recognise all my separate little tricks and habits and, as a result, my beats are starting to sound a little too similar. I'm trying to push myself but I don't want to lose touch with simply sounding good. I just spent far too long on a beat. It actually kind of split into a million different variations and now I have no idea which one to pick. I've narrowed it down to two - the simplest version and the most complicated one. At the moment, I'm leaning towards the most complicated one but there's something about the timing of the general phrase that makes it really unique to me. I don't know. I'll probably go with the complicated one. You can take your pick if you like.

1. Burn a Little Cleaner (Simple Version)
Burn a Little Cleaner MP3 by M. O'Neill

Written in about five minutes. Has a weird swing to it that I've always wanted but never quite figured out how to get without dequantising or triplet rhythms. It used to have toms but it ended up sounding too similar to two of my other beats. I tried to find a way to differentiate it but it just got weirder and weirder. See:

2. All The Swingle Ladies (Complicated Version)
All the Swingle Ladies MP3 by M. O'Neill

I was quite frustrated with this but, listening to it now, I find I prefer it. Far more interesting. Also in the classic Big Beat BPM of 128BPM.

If anyone can come up with a compelling reason why the first one is better, let me know. If not, let's just presume I'll go with the second.

That is if I don't just throw it out tomorrow...

Day 7: (Still) Sick Beats

Still dogged by the flu (I despise illness so much - you have no idea) but I managed to come up with one beat today. Things didn't come as easily today but I think that's largely because I was barely conscious when I was writing.

Here's the beat, anyway:

1. Total Synthesis
Total Synthesis MP3 by M. O'Neill

Lots of personal experimentation in this one. It's at 120BPM, which is quite fast for hip hop, but that's just the beginning. There's also the fact that it's comprised entirely of explicitly electronic sounds (something I've been quite wary of doing since beginning this endeavour) and the lack of ninety per cent of my stylistic crutches. There's no snare, handclaps or typical hi-hats. After yesterday's generic beat, I wanted to try and write something really different that still had a discernible groove. I'm quite proud of it.

I should point out, though, that it's in severe need of EQing. I never did mention that none of these beats have been mixed as such but they haven't. I'm leaving the mixing process until last. There are simply too many layers to deal with before that point.

Day 6: SICK Beats

I have a flu so I'm going to make this brief. I'm still on the same spontaneous groove I hit yesterday - beats are coming fast and I'm enjoying the process a lot. I still have mixed feelings about the idea of an identifiable style but I'm hoping, if any beats are TOO similar, I can differentiate them through other musical aspects (basslines, samples, mad rhymez).

Here are the beats:

1. Screaming Tribesmen
Screaming Tribesmen MP3 by M. O'Neill

This is my main concern. While a two bar loop, it's in the same BPM as yesterday's Top Heavy. That said, I'm really fascinated by the idea of writing different beats within the same parameters. I think this sounds quite different from Top Heavy. Still, mixed feelings about the similarities. Love the beat, though, and that's the most important thing.

2. Gherenicetto
Gherenicetto MP3 by M. O'Neill

This is a bit of a challenge for me. It's really simple, really generic and quite slow (80BPM - and no triplets to make it faster) but I really love it. I want to explore lots of different dynamics with beats, so I thought I'd write something really slow and minimal (because my instinct is to go fast and layered). Truth be told, it could be a lot simpler (I could just reduce it to kicks and claps and hit the same groove) but I'm not bold enough to go that spartan yet.

So, seven down. Three to go. Really excited about seeing how this goes. Terrified too - but I can see the foundations of the sound I want to bring to the world.

Day 5: Stella Her Gets Her (Suspiciously Familiar) Groove Back

After yesterday, I was still in quite a dubious state. Today, though? Today I was somewhat reborn. I decided I was overthinking it and just to go with my gut and have fun. My instinctual beats tend to be the most popular and they're the easiest to make so I figured I'd side with them. Tossing out more beats today as well. Basically, I'm getting rid of everything except the first three.

Reasoning? There's a little. Basically, the other beats were me experimenting without focus. I said at the start of this that the experimental shit will come later. I didn't stick to that. As such, I'm starting again aside from the first three and just going with my instincts. I programmed two today that are more in that vein. What I'm realising is that I have a very specific preference with my beats - a very specific voice. I like percussion, I like bass and I like handclaps. Weird electronic shit is fun too.

There's a part of that discovery that alarms me. I feel somewhat formulaic. At the same time, though, I've realised that these beats are just sketches. I'm quite sure they'll change in the context of a fully developed song (particularly given the various parts that comprise each beat). I do wonder how much variation is expected of beat producers, though. Is the fact that most of the beats produced by Timbaland (or, for that matter, The Neptunes or even Massive Attack) sound identifiably of a piece a good or a bad thing? Do they have a style or are they just limited?

At the moment, I'm thinking back to a conversation I once had with veteran experimental guitarist Oren Ambarchi. He pretty much told me he'd been making the same album over and over again for years. It was all about refining a central idea and concept, as opposed to darting all over the place. In a way, I feel like I've been refining a vision of music for years. You could draw a line from these beats, through The Holy Cow, through back to the first song my old band Citizen Loud ever made. It's the same vision. Just slightly less incompetent.

ANYWAYS - the beats!

1. Top Heavy
Top Heavy MP3 by M. O'Neill

I make no apologies for the rip-off of Florence and the Machine's Drumming Song - but I will say it was accidental. I'm just really fascinated by the placement of kick drums in beats. I wanted to know what a beat with only two heavy kick drums would sound like from a groove standpoint. I tried to add more after the fact but it didn't seem to have the same effect. The random electronic sounds were just put there for the fuck of it, really. They added a cool kind of swishing dynamic to the beat. Nice accents.

2. Back to the Roots
Back to the Roots MP3 by M. O'Neill

This seems to be kind of 'generic' M. O'Neill - from the toms, to the handclaps, to the sub-bass and weird electronic squiggles. Still, I think it's sufficiently different to stand on its own. If you take the toms out, it actually becomes a whole other beast. I think this is kind of the style I like and plan to refine. Then again, I've now thrown out five out of ten beats. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Day 4: Doubt Sets In

Today has been interesting. It finally hit me. The sheer enormity of both what I am doing and just how little I know about what I am doing. Been eating at me all day. Still, we struggle through. I figure, eventually, I will know more about what I am doing. Hopefully. I must be quite fucking insane, though. Who does this? Who puts themselves through this kind of humiliation? Ah well. At least I don't have a youtube channel. Not yet, anyhow.

So, I've decided to ditch the last two beats. They don't work. They're just cobbled together. Interesting, rather than good. I worked really hard today to make sure I wasn't inconvenienced by throwing out those last two. That said, torn about by doubt, I'm not sure if I was working at my best. I think these three beats stand up to the first three, though. They are all quite different but I think they work.

1. Croaking Triplets
Croaking Triplets MP3 by M. O'Neill

This is my attempt at taking the best parts of Herky Jerky and doing them properly. It's in triplet time, quite layered (lots of little percussive flourishes) and at 85BPM. My main thought in making this was the relationship between groove and space. I tend to poo-poo the idea of more layers of drums hampering groove in a song (despite such an idea's popularity) but I thought I'd experiment with meeting people halfway. There's lots of layers to this track but they're almost all percussion (as opposed to additional beats in and of themselves). The actually beat itself is pretty much 90% kick drums. (I've decided to forego listing the specific kits - it takes too long and isn't very interesting).

2. Out in the Streets
Out in the Streets MP3 by M. O'Neill

This beat is my attempt to program something at 120 that still suggests rap music. I'm pretty sure I've failed. It's basically rave music with some modern kits in 5/4. I like it all the same, though - partly because it has chopped up Amen breaks in it (one of my favourite sounds in the world) but also because it kind of captures that weird vision I have in my head for this music. Part of it, anyway.

The music I want to make is supposed to sound vivid, lively and cultural. The halfway point between a market in India and a street in Tokyo. My favourite band is Killing Joke and one of the many reasons I love them is because their music sounds simultaneously urban and spiritual. I want to blend together elements of that - kind of like how rave culture was so organic, despite being built on chemicals and machines.

3. Spontanocussion
Spontanocussion MP3 by M. O'Neill

Really, this was just me dicking around with live drums. I really love how The Roots manage to create such gritty beats with live drums and I wanted to kind of figure out some of those patterns. I didn't really get around to doing that with this one, I was just tossing ideas around and I found I really liked the result. It's really simple but really kinetic and evocative (for me, anyway). I'm excited to see what happens to it.

The thing that drives me insane, though - with this and every other beat - is that I'm not sure what is essential to a beat. What is the correct and incorrect way to program a rhythm. It's doing my fucking head in, I tell you. So many questions. Should I stick with one kit? Should it be longer than a single bar? One time signature? Should I use quantisation? How much should I mess with the velocity of each hit? Should I be mixing now or later? Is it too electronic? Is it not electronic enough? Should it sound more or less like dance music? Does it sound too Australian? Does it sound too UK?

Seriously. Driving me up the wall. Any ideas, anyone?

Day 3: Birthday Beat

So, today is my birthday. Again, the beats didn't fly as thick and as fast as I thought they would. I genuinely believe I'm over-thinking the process. Trying to decide whether I should slow down the process or speed up. I think I should just relax. Any thoughts anyone?

Still, I did come up with one today:

Herky Jerky.
Herky Jerky MP3 by M. O'Neill

I imagine it will be quite polarising. It's a messy blend of triplet and quartet rhythms. Basically, it's three beats layered on top of each other - a two-bar 4/4 loop from Battery 3's Clik Dub Kit, a four-bar, 4/4 loop from Battery 3's R&B kit (in triplet time) and some handclaps from Battery 3's Apparat Kit. The whole thing is in 80BPM (I've never actually programmed a beat in this before, from memory).

I'm thinking, though, I may just throw the last two out. They don't seem to stand-up to the first three. Does anyone have any opinions?

Day 2: A Beat

I didn't think I'd have anything to show you guys today. While I thought the beats portion of this endeavour would be relatively easy, I was struggling today. My vision was to take a 150BPM percussion loop and layer it over 75BPM beats but it kept on sounding all dubstep (which I have nothing against but I was going for a kind of tripped-out Led Zeppelin groove).

Eventually, I came up with this (which could be my favourite beat so far - but I still have mixed feelings about it):

Marching to Hardbeats
Marching to Hardbeats MP3 by M. O'Neill

I actually had a lot of trouble finishing this one. I had the snare pattern (a four-bar loop in 3/4, courtesy of Battery 3's Full Kit) and the kicks (a one-bar loop in 4/4, courtesy of - yet again - Battery 3's Turntable Rocker Kit) but nothing I came up with to build on it seemed to work. I tried a lot of chopped-up vocal and beatbox kits before eventually settling on the handclaps (4 bar loop, 4/4, Battery 3's Hip Hop Kit) and, after a great deal more experimentation, Battery 3's West Africa Kit (4 bar loop, 4/4).

A part of me still feels it's missing something but I don't want to clutter it much more (and I do enjoy the interplay between the two time signatures). I almost want to add a tambourine but I feel that will make it too World Music and I'm trying very hard not to lean too far in that direction. As silly as it may sound, I want to make hip hop informed by other cultures - not hip hop of other cultures (even for no other reason than the fact that I have little familiarity with them and would no doubt fuck it up royally). Anyway, we'll see what happens.

(Oh yeah, the title is a reference to the Cult of Luna song of the same name. Cult of Luna are an incredible band. Their Salvation and Somewhere Along The Highway albums are still some of my favourite records of all time. Check them out.)

Day 1: Beats

I spend a hell of a lot of time thinking about beats.

(To be honest, I spend a lot of time thinking about pretty much everything. It's kind of what I do.)

Nevertheless, I particularly obsess over beats. I'm fascinated by every single aspect of their construction. On my computer, you'll find approximately ten thousand separate drum kits. I literally have more than I know what to do with lodged on my hard drive.

To this end, I figured beats were the obvious place for me to start. If nothing else, I've made them before. I decided I'd make ten beats for ten songs and then move on to the next part. Ten songs seemed like a good number. Even if 80% of what I make is total shit, I'll still have two decent songs left over at the end, right? Right. Glad you agree.

--

In today's half hour, I managed to make three beats:

1. Lazy Ghetto
Lazy Ghetto MP3 by M. O'Neill

When I first started working out rhythms for this hip hop caper, I was obsessed with making out-there, ridiculously complicated shit. I've decided to rein in my ambitions temporarily, though. I want to get the fundamentals right before I start traipsing off into the experimental ether. If you listen to the rhythm of Kanye West's Heartless, it's little more than a kick and a snare/clap but it works fantastically well.

This is one of the most simple and straightforward beats I've ever made. It's a one-bar loop in 4/4 at 90BPM with only three component parts to it - a timbale pattern, a kick-snare pattern and a hi-hat pattern. The timbales comes courtesy of Native Instruments' Battery 3's Timbale Kit, the kick-snare is from the same plug-ins sublime Turntable Rocker Kit (which I will guarantee you'll be hearing a lot of - I fucking love that kit) and the hi-hats come courtesy of Native Instruments' Kontakt 4's Abbey Road drum kits (specifically, their Early 60s Big Business Kit). All programming was done in Ableton Live (version 8.2).

2. More Cowbell
More Cowbell MP3 by M. O'Neill

With this one, I tried to implement some of my more experimental impulses (albeit in very small doses). It's still in 4/4 and, for the most part, one bar (a pitched percussion pattern extends over two) but it's at 100BPM instead of the archetypal hip hop pace of 90 and it has a few more layers. There's the aforementioned percussion phrase (Battery 3's Small Percussion Kit), an irritatingly simple kick pattern (Battery 3's Hip Hop B1 Kit), a snare/hi-hat/handclap/tambourine pattern (Battery 3's Turntable Rocker Kit - as promised) and a weird little glitchy pattern (Battery 3's Simple Waveform Kit).

One of the things I love about hip hop is its ability to take what is essentially electronic music production and transform it into something live and spontaneous. By blending the glitchy Simple Waveform percussion with Turntable Rocker and Small Percussion's organic samples, I was hoping to touch on a similar midway point. The 100BPM (and the kick pattern) is something of a tribute to nu-skool breaks/glitch hop producers like Tipper or my good friends Blunt Instrument (even if it should probably be 110).

3. Wiley Coyote
Wiley Coyote MP3 by M. O'Neill

This is probably my favourite of the day (and closest to my typical programming). One of my favourite hip hop producer/MCs is Wiley. Often referred to as the 'Grandfather of Grime', Wiley differs from a lot of US and Australian hip hop artists in that his productions tend to occupy the higher end of the BPM spectrum (130/140) and this, combined with Wiley's de facto allegiance to club/dance music, is actually something I'm really keen to try and introduce to Australian hip hop.

(I actually have a whole list of things I want to bring to Australian hip hop with this project but I figure I'll reveal them slowly as opposed to write a manifesto I can't actually support.)

With that taken in mind, this beat is paced at 130BPM (with a handclap driven pattern at 65BPM). The only obvious cues to Wiley beyond that, though, are the kick drum and tambourine patterns (both Battery 3's Turntable Rocker Kit - again). The rest of the beat is busied up by the little weird percussive flourishes you'll increasingly recognise as my hallmark - a series of glitches (Kontakt 4's sweet New Rave Kit) and some weird bassy/tom percussive sounds courtesy of Battery 3's surprisingly ghetto Marching Band Kit. The aforementioned handclap pattern comes courtesy of Kontakt 4's Chocolate City Kit.

It's still all pretty normal - 4/4 (again, one pattern exempted) - but it reminds me of Amon Tobin's Two Fingers project.

--

So there you have it. The first day. I'm not hugely fond of any of the beats anymore (except for maybe the last one and that's only because of my silly "more drums=more awesome" fetish) but that's typical with me - particularly given their simplicity. They'll do for now, though. My belief is that it's better for me to actually push through and finish a track than worry over the details at this point - and I still have seven more tracks to get the really weird shit out of the way.

Thoughts and feedback welcome. It's actually interesting reflecting on the process and re-examining how I go about this.

I am aware I rely too much on Kontakt 4 and Battery 3. I'll change it up.

It Begins

So, today's the day. Today is the day, as they say, shit gets real.

I have wanted to be a rapper for a long time. I can't remember when it started. In high school, I wanted to be a heavy metal musician. Of course, I also wanted to be a policeman, fantasy author and actor. Yes, it is fair to say I was attracted to douchebag professions. In a way, it seems fitting that I have finally moved onto wanting to be a rapper. Kanye West, supremely talented dude that he is, also happens to be one of the biggest douchebags in the world.

I recently decided, though, to man up and actually pursue my stupid dream. Starting today, I will work for a minimum of thirty minutes every day on becoming a hip hop MC/producer. Each day, I will tell you of my findings. I will also post snippets of what I'm working on at http://soundcloud.com/m-oneill. Together, we will plot my course into a superstardom. Or, you know, not. We'll see what happens. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't think I could do it. I'd also be lying, though, if I told you I wasn't absolutely fucking terrified and constantly questioning my judgement.

I am, as many have pointed out, the stereotypically whitest dude alive. I grew up listening to heavy metal, I studied a Bachelor of Creative Industries and I dress like a complete yuppie. I make even Australian hip hop artists look like Fela Kuti. Still, this is what I want to do. I should at least give it a shot, right?

Fuck it. Let's go.